One of the fundamental observations I've made from the therapist's chair is evidence (thoroughly anecdotal, but experienced repeatedly in hundreds of sessions) of the basic human need to be heard.
Whether I'm sitting with individuals, couples or families, a common refrain from the couch is: No one ever listens to me. Which is just another way for clients to say they are feeling unheard. Devalued. Misunderstood. As if what they say is of little consequence, especially to the one person in their life by whom they desperately want to be heard.
The person "not listening" can be pretty much anyone: a boss, boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, mother, father, or colleague. And, if you or the other person in your relationship feels unheard, not only does communication break down, so does the feeling of safety between the two of you--that comforting feeling that you can trust the other person to be respectful of what you say. The feeling of being not only heard, but understood.
I've found couples (or individuals in difficult relationships with non-spouses) can actually feel more heard and more understood by by introducing a few new elements into their communication:
1. Identify the goal of your communication. If you're out to belittle, annoy, or otherwise push the other person's buttons, there's no need to read any further. If, however, you really would like to be heard and feel valued--and you want to hear and value the other person-- read on.
2. Recognize that, in any conversation, there is a "pitcher" and a "catcher." Sometimes it's helpful to recognize what your role is in the conversation, and to take a good look at how well you pitch: Do you speak in a way that makes it safe for the catcher to hear what you have to say? And, how well do you catch? Do you listen in a way actually allows you to hear and understand what was said?
Pitching and catching are talents that require taking turns. One way to check out how you're doing is to ask your partner to "parrot" or repeat back what you just said. If you're not recognizing what you just "pitched," ask for permission to try again. Restate what you said, keeping in mind how you say it: are you yelling or speaking? Is your tone even and respectful or condescending and snide? And ask yourself, honestly, how would you feel if someone spoke to you this way? How would you feel if someone constantly spoke over you? Catchers, ask yourself honestly, Am I just waiting for him to finish his sentence so I can say something? Or, can I set aside what I want to say long enough to really hear him?
3. Ask for what you want. How many times have you been asked by a loved one, "How was your day?" The question is innocent enough, but can be dangerous territory if your honey can't read your mind. Let's suppose that your boss was a complete idiot that day and you need a listening ear when you get home. ASK for what you want: "It's been a rotten day and what I'd really like from you right now is to listen. Just listen." Do you want feedback or no feedback? Ask. Do you want to state your whole case and then get advice, or would you like feedback as you go along? Asking for what you need from the catcher can ward off alot of frustrating interchanges as well as resentment toward a partner who, otherwise, might have no idea how to give you what you want.
4. Keep in mind that, as the volume goes up, understanding goes down. I don't know many people who like to be yelled at. And yet, time and again, couples in my office try turning up the volume in a desperate effort to be heard, while causing their partners to feel less and less understood. Yelling can kill understanding because it often makes the conversation threatening. If you find the volume going up, take a time out and try again.
5. Slow down. If you find it impossible to do anything else, at least slow down. In the heat of the moment, have you ever said something you wished you could instantly take back? Unfortunately sound travels so fast that calling the words back just isn't possible. Slow down, and think: what is the end result you want from this conversation? If, when the conversation was over, and everything went really, really well, what would you want to hear from the other person? What can you say that will help the conversation turn out well? Should we take a break and try this again later?
OK, you say. That's all well and good on paper, but we end up screaming and going to bed angry.
Be realistic. You didn't get to the yelling part over night, and you won't undo it overnight either. Practice what you can. Take time outs (more about them later). Understand that being heard could actually sound something like this: "I hear what you're saying. You feel frustrated and upset. We disagree about this issue. I'm not sure how to solve this, but I know that I don't want to make it worse, and I want you to know that I'll try to own my part in it."
Nirvana, no. Respectful, yes. Heard? Better than yelling.
More later. Thanks for listening.
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