Eight years ago when I was in training to become a therapist, I was privileged to begin working with a group of men and women whose average age was about 80. From the beginning, it was a good fit. I have always had an affinity for older adults. I was the child of older parents (40 and 47 when I was born), and, hence, an extended family of older aunts, uncles and grandparents.
According to Wikipedia, as of today, there are approximately 311,563,000 people in the US. Approximately 12% of this population are over the age of 65; approximately 45% are men; 57% are women. And, as this population ages, women will outnumber men in larger percentages, as they tend to outlive their male counterparts.
While the AARP was eager to have me join their fold when I turned 50, for the purpose of this discussion, I'll use the term "senior" to refer to older adults who are age 65 and above. NOTE: I struggle to find a term that appropriately honors this group; the term "golden years" makes them laugh; "elders" has a more dignified ring to it, but implies a family structure and respect that, unfortunately, sometimes does not exist. "Senior" seems to evoke the least ire in the older adults I work with.
While no two individuals have the same history or experiences, I've noticed that many of the seniors I work with have similar issues that tend to surface on a regular basis. So, at the risk of generalizing, I'll share a few observations from my work with seniors about the lifestage challenges they are facing:
1. Physical decline. Thanks to advances in medicine and health care, many seniors are living longer and coping better with the physical (and mental) tolls of the aging process. However, many eventually face a variety of age-related or inherited conditions which include, in my experience with seniors, osteoporosis, arthritis, certain cancers, high blood pressure, dementia and decline in vision, hearing and mobility.
2. Loss of independence. Almost proportionally related to physical decline is loss of the ability to perform tasks of daily living (laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, paying bills and especially driving) as well a decline in safety while living alone.
3. Fear of falling. Certain medical conditions, age-related declines in strength and coordination, as well as side-effects of certain medications all can contribute to the risk of falling. Often, falls go unreported for fear that well-intentioned friends or family members may pressure seniors to move out of their homes to a places where their safety can be ensured--or at least monitored.
4. Difficulty with adult children. Seniors I work with often report that their adult children either a.) fail to see or refuse to acknowledge the fact that the aging parent simply can't do the things he or she used to and needs help; or, b.) fail to hear and respect their aging parent's wishes regarding how they would like to navigate their old age. Somewhere between showing little concern or overwhelming interference is the adult child who engages their adult parent as just that: an adult. And this is where most seniors find the respect and support they need.
5. Invisibility. Some of my senior clients report, that, over time, they seem to fade from view (or concern) of family and friends. As seniors lose their spouses and become single again, coupled friends call less frequently, issue fewer invitations. Seniors report being ignored, sometimes blatantly disrespected by "young people." And, because some seniors tend to move and respond more slowly, others often express frustration or stop including seniors in their plans altogether.
6. Pain. Aside from the emotional pain of isolation, many seniors experience varying levels of chronic pain. Again, it's often not communicated to others, as seniors often tend to just "live with it."
Of course, the aging process, particularly as one passes 80, provides many more challenges than the ones I've listed above. So, why do I refer to working with seniors as a "gift?" In my experience, seniors bring so much into their group work, so many valuable and inspiring offerings--among them:
1. Wisdom. With experience and age comes a depth of exposure and understanding that most 20-year-olds cannot and do not have. I doubt that 40- or even 60-year-olds have the mileage and the patina of experience that accumulates by one's 80s.
2. Generosity of spirit. My senior clients demonstrate an extraordinary empathy for one another--and even for those who misunderstand them. What may have caused ill will at 40 ceases to be important at 80. When I asked my seniors what advice they would give to a 30-year-old, one seasoned client replied without hesitation: Don't sweat the small stuff!
3. Perspective. With age, comes development of what I refer to as "the long view." Relationships have had time to mature, deepen or fail; children have grown up, moved out and made their own ways it the world, complete with their own successes and disappointments; careers have been concluded, accomplishments and failures duly logged, fortunes made and lost. With the long view comes an appreciation for what really matters: family, personal connections with friends, health and physical ability to enjoy the day. The rest, in perspective, ceases to matter so much.
And for some,
4. Serenity. One sage senior summed it up this way: Don't "should" all over yourself. "I should have done this, said that, been more this way, less that way...." The seniors I work with--some, not all--have traded in that self-talk for something more positive, along the lines of, "I did the best I could. I can only move ahead. I can't beat myself up for the past. I will learn from my mistakes and try to take that learning forward."
Amen.
Thanks for listening.
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