A constant refrain that I hear from colleagues and clients alike is, "I wish I had more time in the day!" As a species that is experiencing the cutting edge of technology designed to make our lives easier, we continue to find more and more to do in less and less time. It seems that, as technology reduces the time it takes to accomplish a task, we find more tasks to take on. Which can lead us to apexes of efficiency--punctuated by bouts of exhaustion, frustration, leading to deeper moments that call up the big question: What's it all about? Is this--the frenzy, the efficiency, the ticking off of "to do" lists--is this what it's all about? Why am I here?
I have had the privilege of working with people of all ages, across the lifespan. And, my clients have shown me that past the age of 18 or so, "the big question" above comes into play at many of life's transition moments: For teenagers leaving home for work, the military or college; for young adults getting married, having their first child, moving or choosing more defined career paths; for those who lose jobs or relationships either unexpectedly or after a clear period of dissatisfaction; for those faced with their first physical limitations of normal aging; for those facing serious illness; for those who face retirement and the conclusion of their professional "usefulness;" and, in the ending phases of life those who, examining a life of accomplishments, failures, compromises, regrets and losses find themselves asking: What was it all about?
The people who seem to weather the question the best are those who, at various stages of their lives, find a way to "repurpose" themselves. They find a way to adjust, replace or augment a value system that no longer serves them. And, in the process, they also, unconsciously or not, redefine the meaning of "satisfaction" in their lives.
The young couple who starts a family may initially find the transition from couple to family limiting and difficult, until they recognize and elevate the importance--and joy-- of raising a child.
Job loss--often a devastating blow to the ego at first--can be an invitation to re-examine what you really would like to to if there were no limits to your choices? I've worked with several clients who have found themselves in just that position--and have taken the opportunity to find new purpose in their daily work.
Serious illness or loss of a loved one can act as a life signal to pause--or at least slow down. Loss, of either our own functionality or independence--however temporary--can be a cause for pause. Death of a spouse, family member of friend can further underscore our own relative impermanence--and the finite nature of our span on earth. The question often becomes: What legacy will I leave? Did my time here matter?
Another life marker, retirement, can be a time of reinvention or a time of feeling adrift. Many older adults reach their retirement years facing the question: Now what? If your job so thoroughly defines you, if your professional accomplishments are your primary source of life satisfaction, you may find yourself reaching retirement asking the same question.
Fortunately, we are, as a species, remarkable in our ability to reinvent--to repurpose--ourselves. Businessmen become tutors in retirement; accountants become landscape painters; physicians become organic gardeners. Successful retirement years become a time for passion to either augment or replace profession.
And, finally, in our final years, we are often blessedly equipped with the time--and the insight--to conduct a life review: an examination of where we've been and what the journey has meant. And most of the aging adults I've had the privilege to work with have been blessed with another ability: acceptance. Acceptance of accomplishments, failures, even mediocrity--at the end with a minimum amount of energy devoted to regret.
It's then that an amazing transformation can occur--the shift from wondering if one's life was worthy--to acceptance of the life we actually lived, peaks, valleys and the terrain in between.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Why They're Called "Resolutions," Or How To Bolster Your Resolve.
We're one week into the new year and, chances are, it's likely you know someone (perhaps yourself) who has committed to improve, overhaul or otherwise change a behavior in the next 52 weeks. Some goals are lofty (lose 50 pounds!); some are more modest (be kinder to co-workers); and some, despite our best efforts, may be unattainable, which leads not only to disappointment, but also builds resistance to change in the future.
In my work, I'm privileged to sit with intelligent, motivated individuals who are working for change--or acceptance--in their lives. Some of the tools we use in our work together may be helpful to those of you who are fortifying your resolve for change in this new year. Here are a few suggestions that may help.
Set attainable goals. Take a look at your goal. Write it down on a piece of paper and read it aloud to yourself. "Run a marathon" may be completely doable if you're healthy enough for vigorous exercise and have some experience with running. If you've never run before, you may want to set a more reasonable goal--say, walk every day, with a goal of one mile by day 60. You may need input from your doctor or a trainer. The point is, attaining your goal will be a real ego booster. If your goal is too ambitious, you may be setting yourself up for failure.
Set measurable goals. To succeed, you need to know how you define "success." If your goal is to lose weight, it will help to quantify your goal: "Lose 5 pounds by March 30th." If you miss your goal you can always reset. But having a target and a timeline can help keep you on track.
Make sure they're your goals, not someone else's. Our friends and loved ones may have wishes for us that will make our lives better, healthier, etc. But the fact is, if you're not invested in your goals for change, you're not likely to be motivated to do the work to change.
Don't set yourself up for failure. "Become an astronaut" sounds, to me, like an exciting goal; but, at my stage in life, it's unlikely to happen because of the training, physical stamina, and skill set needed to journey into space. Don't get me wrong. Don't abandon goals just because they're lofty. But look honestly at your goal and ask: Am I ready to make the commitment? Can I commit the time and resources needed? Are there any intermediate goals (in this instance, say, attending a space camp) that will help me get to my end goal?
Set up a support system. Let others know how they can help you reach your goals. If, for example, you want to stop smoking, you may find it difficult to be around your smoking friends for awhile. It might be helpful, in this example, to let them know that you need a smoke-free environment for the near future, and that you want to spend time with them when they're not lighting up.
If you slip, start again. Miss a day of exercise? Indulge in a piece of Boston cream pie? Move on. Lamenting your slip won't undo it. Try your best to understand how the slip happened and what you can do to avoid future slips. Learn what you can, accept that you're human, and train your eye--again--on the prize. Move on.
Adjust goals if necessary. Finding that you just can't make it to the gym seven days a week? It may be realistic to temporarily adjust your goal so you can find satisfaction in meeting it. If you're continually disappointing yourself, it will likely erode your resolve to continue with the larger goal.
Take small steps. Your bigger goal may logically have several "building blocks" to success. Set incremental goals that move you toward your ultimate goal. This way, you're always moving in the right direction, and enjoying your incremental successes.
Finally, reward yourself for your progress. Positive reinforcement is a great motivator. Take time to monitor your progress and reward it. Did you eat in a healthy way for five days in a row? Take yourself to the movies, write "Good Job!" on a post-it and put it on the refrigerator, share the news with a friend and enjoy a compliment. You'll be motivated to continue.
Whatever you decide to do in the new year, remember: if you set the bar too high, you may be sabotaging your own success. Be realistic. Build goal upon goal. Recognize your slips and move on. Reward your successes.
May your new year be blessed with your own successes, and more.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
In my work, I'm privileged to sit with intelligent, motivated individuals who are working for change--or acceptance--in their lives. Some of the tools we use in our work together may be helpful to those of you who are fortifying your resolve for change in this new year. Here are a few suggestions that may help.
Set attainable goals. Take a look at your goal. Write it down on a piece of paper and read it aloud to yourself. "Run a marathon" may be completely doable if you're healthy enough for vigorous exercise and have some experience with running. If you've never run before, you may want to set a more reasonable goal--say, walk every day, with a goal of one mile by day 60. You may need input from your doctor or a trainer. The point is, attaining your goal will be a real ego booster. If your goal is too ambitious, you may be setting yourself up for failure.
Set measurable goals. To succeed, you need to know how you define "success." If your goal is to lose weight, it will help to quantify your goal: "Lose 5 pounds by March 30th." If you miss your goal you can always reset. But having a target and a timeline can help keep you on track.
Make sure they're your goals, not someone else's. Our friends and loved ones may have wishes for us that will make our lives better, healthier, etc. But the fact is, if you're not invested in your goals for change, you're not likely to be motivated to do the work to change.
Don't set yourself up for failure. "Become an astronaut" sounds, to me, like an exciting goal; but, at my stage in life, it's unlikely to happen because of the training, physical stamina, and skill set needed to journey into space. Don't get me wrong. Don't abandon goals just because they're lofty. But look honestly at your goal and ask: Am I ready to make the commitment? Can I commit the time and resources needed? Are there any intermediate goals (in this instance, say, attending a space camp) that will help me get to my end goal?
Set up a support system. Let others know how they can help you reach your goals. If, for example, you want to stop smoking, you may find it difficult to be around your smoking friends for awhile. It might be helpful, in this example, to let them know that you need a smoke-free environment for the near future, and that you want to spend time with them when they're not lighting up.
If you slip, start again. Miss a day of exercise? Indulge in a piece of Boston cream pie? Move on. Lamenting your slip won't undo it. Try your best to understand how the slip happened and what you can do to avoid future slips. Learn what you can, accept that you're human, and train your eye--again--on the prize. Move on.
Adjust goals if necessary. Finding that you just can't make it to the gym seven days a week? It may be realistic to temporarily adjust your goal so you can find satisfaction in meeting it. If you're continually disappointing yourself, it will likely erode your resolve to continue with the larger goal.
Take small steps. Your bigger goal may logically have several "building blocks" to success. Set incremental goals that move you toward your ultimate goal. This way, you're always moving in the right direction, and enjoying your incremental successes.
Finally, reward yourself for your progress. Positive reinforcement is a great motivator. Take time to monitor your progress and reward it. Did you eat in a healthy way for five days in a row? Take yourself to the movies, write "Good Job!" on a post-it and put it on the refrigerator, share the news with a friend and enjoy a compliment. You'll be motivated to continue.
Whatever you decide to do in the new year, remember: if you set the bar too high, you may be sabotaging your own success. Be realistic. Build goal upon goal. Recognize your slips and move on. Reward your successes.
May your new year be blessed with your own successes, and more.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
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