What Child Is This? Or, Navigating The Holidays As A Grownup.

If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times: "Christmas? Oh, it's really for the children."

Oh really?

I've also been told: "Oh, let's not exchange gifts this year. It's really about the children."

Is that so?

In my experience, the holiday season can bring out the very best--and worst--of us.  And, let's face it: we all enjoy being thought of, remembered if you will, with a token, a keepsake--a gift.  Gift giving sends a message: I thought of you. I made an effort to give you something I thought you might like. You are special.


If you think this isn't true, try not giving gifts to those with whom you have traditionally shared an exchange.  Unless the change is entirely mutual, timed at exactly the same moment, and completely owned by all, it's likely to result in some hurt feelings.

After all, we're human.  And, after years of completely unscientific data-gathering which includes friends, family--and reports from clients--it turns out that the majority of folks don't care so much what you spend on them. It's the gift--no matter how little it cost of how home-spun.

In this, a struggling economy, it think it's fair to say that most everyone realizes that funds are tight for alot of people who never--ever--thought they would find themselves without jobs or with reduced means.  Which means that many people who were lavish in the past may not be able to repeat the generosity of Christmases past.

So, what can you do to gracefully recognize the shift?  First of all, with family, talk with your adult relatives. Acknowledge their, or your own, economic reality and adjust family traditions to this new reality.  This means considering more than just the amount spent on gifts.

"You mean you're not having your holiday open house? But why?"

Or, "Why can't you come east for the holidays? We always meet at mom's?"

These questions, and others like them, asked unwittingly, can bring reactions ranging from acute embarrassment to stares as icy as an east-coast December.

Mindfulness is one answer.  It's an internal process that reminds us that circumstances change. Others'--and our own--situations may be different this year than last.  Mindfulness, however is more than increased awareness. It's a boost in thoughtfulness.  

Mindfulness can mean increased directness: "We won't be able to entertain this year the way we used to." Or, "It's been a difficult year for us financially. We hope you can understand we can't exchange gifts...fly out to see you...donate to your charity...etc."

Mindfulness can also mean increased tact and awareness. When others express discomfort with maintaining holiday traditions, it just might be that they can't afford them this year.  Despite outward appearances, unbeknownst to us, friends and family may have experienced the economic downturn in a way that limits their ability to spend or participate.

Children, by definition, have limited ability to delay gratification and accept what they cannot have. Young children sometimes resort to tantrums.  As adults, we have the capacity--if we choose to exercise it--to temper our disappointment with acceptance--and hope for better days.  As adults, we also possess the ability to experience the holidays as a time to connect--and sometimes re-connect--with those we care about.

As adults, we are equipped with tools and talents that can nurture the holiday joy, and reduce the stressors.  Read others' social cues.  Listen between the lines. Adjust expectations. Make it ok for others--and yourselves--to share the joy in ways that they can comfortably afford--and enjoy.

Only then does the true meaning of the season shine through. Only then do we give--and receive-- the true gift of the season.

Until next time, thanks for listening.

The Most Wonderful Time...Or, How To Navigate The "Holiday Corridor."

Well, it's here. The "most wonderful time of the year," according to Andy Williams.

I call it the "holiday corridor," that rush of days that starts sometime after the last Halloween pumpkins have been tossed, and kicks into full gear along about the week before Thanksgiving.  And, while it does have many wonderful connotations, from the perspective of the therapist's chair, it's also a time when my clients--and friends and family, for that matter--report rising levels of stress.

In the next few posts, I'll be talking about recurring issues that many of us are faced with during the holiday season: expectations we have, realistic and unrealistic; holiday stress, from without and within; what happens when the family gets together; ghosts of Christmases past: our roles with parents; and, the inevitable "shrinking day:" when 24 hours seems to go by in a blink.

There's also what I call "general holiday fatigue." I can remember when the holiday (specifically, Christmas) season was officially launched on the Friday after Thanksgiving. I have blurry memories of bundling up and riding in my mother's Ford to the Sears parking lot, waiting for Santa to arrive via helicopter.  It was late November, cold (often snowy on the east coast), and Christmas arrived in a scant 30 days or less.

Now, our exposure to everything "holiday" (the politically correct moniker now) can start as early as mid-October. Yes, on any given evening of TV watching, Halloween ad "boos"  are now interspersed with  holiday ad "ho! ho! ho!s" At worst, it confuses children. At best, it's an annoying reminder to adults.

But back to Christmas fatigue.  In my former advertising career, a statistic we bandied about with clients was the fact that, on average, human beings were bombarded with about 300 "messages" a day from different sources. At that time, those sources did not include Internet/mobile pop up ads or emails. It's likely that the number of messages is somewhat higher today--and rising.  By my unscientific estimate, by the time we have weathered the holiday corridor, if we are exposed to even, say a conservative 100 messages a day, we will have endured a mind-numbing 6,000 messages--most with a holiday theme.

Add to this the holiday shopping, cards, meals, travel--is it any wonder we experience holiday fatigue?

Don't get me wrong. I love the holidays--in my case, Christmas. I also am a big believer in self-care, which is why, over the next few posts, I'll be talking about the challenges of the season, and ways we can minimize humbug and maximize joy.

Until then, thanks for listening.