It never fails to amaze me. Couples work is often the most challenging--and interesting--work I do. Inevitably, the couple brings conflict into the room. Something, done or undone, said or unsaid, has caused a breech in the relationship. Correction: the breech is usually the result of a long series of action or inaction which has not been addressed for some time. By the time some couples seek the help of a therapist, things are often ready to blow.
It can go like this in session:
He: She just doesn't get it! If the washing machine is too full, nothing gets clean.
She: I follow the directions on the machine: "Load to fill line."
He: Everyone knows you're never supposed to fill the machine that full.
She: Everyone? Who is everyone?
He: What part of this don't you understand?
Does any of this sound vaguely familiar? In a conversation like the one above, the real issue isn't about how clean the clothes get. It's about a variety of underlying voices we carry with us from our collective experience: "Being right is very important. If you're wrong, you're bad." Or, "You need to take responsibility for everything. If you don't do it personally, it might not be done the right way." Or, even, "No one is going to push me around or tell me how to do things. I had enough of that when I was a child and I'm not a child anymore." And so the voices go.
These "voices" usually aren't as clear or defined as I've outlined above. But, if you subscribe to the idea that we are the sum of all our experiences, chances are, like it or not, you got messages in your life that made an impact, and helped inform how you respond in a variety of situations.
Challenging those voices, those embedded messages, is part of the work of therapy.
Another concept therapy can bring into the room, radical to some, is the idea that both of you are right.
Think about the conflict that might fall away if we were to entertain that idea in our daily lives, especially with our loved ones. You are absolutely, completely right. And...I am absolutely and completely right.
Absurd? Well, not according to couples who hold their ground--and their entrenched beliefs--on disagreements over child-rearing, sex, money, religion, jobs, friendships...well, you get the idea.
Where conflict melts away is when we give each other permission to differ. Put another way: we agree to disagree, not to win.
Granted, on some issues, you'll need to find some common ground. But, compromise is built on the premise of actually conceding territory for the common good. Your common good.
The idea of not agreeing is foreign to some of us. But, if you can let go of the idea of winning, it really changes the game. If there's no need to win, then there is room for two opposing ideas to co-exist, sometimes quite comfortably.
Of all the weddings and commitment ceremonies I've attended, not one couple has ever promised to "love, honor and agree." Nor, in my opinion, should they have to.
Doubtful? Give it a try. You might be surprised to find that "winning" is highly overrated. And loving each other by agreeing to disagree? Well, being loved, I find, is always a win.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
No comments:
Post a Comment