I am privileged to work with couples in my private practice. Often they come to me in crisis: one or both is already mentioning the "d" word: Divorce. And each of them often spends alot of our first sessions trying to convince me that they are right--and their spouse is wrong.
What I've figured out, over time, is that it's less about being right or wrong, but more about being heard. Sounds simple, but it's amazing how many of us are just not good listeners.
What seems to be getting in the way, with many couples, is the way they listen to their partner.
Take Jane and Kevin (not their real names, of course). Like many couples, they came in describing a rift in their relationship--a breech, for one, of their marital bond; a trust that felt intact for one, abused for the other. For me, as a therapist, it is not so much the content of their dialogue, but the manner in which they communicate.
As a couples therapist, I will never settle disputes, right wrongs, or dispense absolution or judgment. It's just not what I do. What I can do and hope to do is to observe the communication process and to help improve it on fundamental levels. Only then can the real issues in the marriage be addressed.
Back to Jane and Kevin: Me: What is one important thing that you would like Kevin to hear from you today? Jane: Hmm....I just want him (to Kevin) you to know that I feel really frustrated when you go out with the guys and leave me at home with the baby alone. Me: Kevin, what did you hear? Kevin: That she resents me for having any fun at all. Me: OK. Let's see. Jane, was that what you said? Jane: No. He's got it all wrong...Me: OK. Jane, were you saying you "resent" Kevin? Jane: No! Me: Were you saying you don't want him to "have any fun at all?" Jane: Absolutely not. Kevin: Really? Jane: Really. Me: OK. Let's try it again. And this time, Kevin, I want you to really open your mind to Jane, and pay lots of attention to the exact words she says, nothing more. OK? Kevin: OK.
After two more tries, Kevin is able to play back to Jane what her real concerns are, and the dialogue goes in a different, more connected direction. Why? Because, in this single interchange, I invited each of them to listen without motive: without wanting to win. Without wanting to convince, change, sway, correct or demoralize.
It is simply about listening to understand your partner. Just simply to understand.
I am clear that I'm not asking them to agree with one another.
I don't ask them to sanction the other's behavior or reasoning.
I simply want to start with basic understanding. In Jane and Kevin's case, it led to the understanding that Jane wanted more support with their 6-month-old daughter. She wasn't criticizing Kevin's fathering. She didn't resent him or want terminate his fun. To the contrary, she felt he was wonderful with their child. Jane just needed to tell Kevin--and for him to hear--that she needed more balance in the time they spent taking care of her.
With the need to be "right," or to persuade, vilify or defend out of the way, listening--real listening--can occur. It's an acquired skill for most, but a valuable one for all.
So, if you're not feeling heard by your spouse, or you get the feedback, "You're not listening to me," take a step back and ask yourself: am I really listening to understand? Am I planning my rebuttal even as my partner speaks? If so, take a deep breath and try again.
Does it always work? Well, "always" is a pretty drastic promise. But I can say, with some certainty, that you might learn something you haven't heard before. And, with the person you love the most in this world, that can be a reassuring start to better communication.
So, until next time, ears open! And thanks for listening.
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