I work with a wonderfully wise and equally unassuming older client who I'll call, "Charlotte," who is approaching 95. She, like others in the senior therapy group I hold each Friday, deals with the usual difficulties of aging: physical decline, illness, problematic relationships with adult children and the work of "life review"--a look back at accomplishments, disappointments, highs and lows.
One Friday morning, as the group was hitting its 10 a.m. stride, an introspective group member I'll call "Colleen" shared a story about her relationship with her sister and a rift that occurred between them when they were young. Now, almost 60 years later, she voiced disappointment in her own actions many years ago: "I should have done something sooner. I should have helped her. Things would have been different."
The group, rapt with attention as the story concluded, exhaled a collective sigh. It was a sad recollection. We all mused silently for a moment.
The silence was broken by Charlotte: "Well, that may be true. Or... things might have not been any different at all." And, after a pause for dramatic effect, "Don't "should" all over yourself. Let--it--go."
The group skipped a beat, looked at her quizzically, realized what she had said--and what she had NOT said--and broke into laughter. Charlotte smiled a wry smile and chuckled a bit herself.
Colleen asked, "How did you come across that. I mean, how did you find you could...do that? You know, stop the "shoulds?"
"Do you mean, who gave me permission to stop beating myself up?" replied Charlotte. "I did. Myself. Just me."
Now, I don't know many "secrets" of happiness, well-being or contentment but, for my money, Charlotte is on to something.
How often are we critical of ourselves? How many times do we lament things we cannot change, could not change and will not change?
Think about it. The job not taken. The apology not issued. The unkind words that spewed out in the heat of an argument. The relationship we could have repaired, but didn't know how at the moment. Missed opportunities for a better outcome. We all have lived through them, and will likely live through more, God willing.
A few years ago, while in consult with "Bennett," a wiser, more seasoned therapist, I mentioned one of my own missed opportunities, my own "mistakes," and my remorse over my actions. He looked at me intently, and asked, quite seriously, "So. How long are your going to have to beat yourself up over this? A week or two? A month? How long will be enough?"
"What do you mean how long? I don't know...I never thought about it like that."
"It's an interesting question, isn't it?" he replied. "I introduces the idea that we actually have control over our own lamentation. Over our own self-punishment. You might want to give it some thought. After all, life's too short."
Armed with that simple but profound idea, I began to actually think about a time frame in which to forgive myself--to free myself from my "should." Now, I personally subscribe to the idea that we can stop beating ourselves up. That we can let go. That we can actually take whatever learning we gained from unpleasant, unproductive and unflattering behaviors--and move forward. Leaving the guilt behind, investing that "guilting" energy into the life ahead.
Are you "shoulding" all over yourself? Ask yourself: 1. Is this behavior making my life any better? 2. How could I do things differently or better next time? And, 3. How much longer do I need to beat myself up over this?
I truly believe that my wise friend Charlotte and my sage/mentor Bennett are on to something. Try it. It might take some practice. But, sometimes, the worthwhile things take time to perfect.
Once you catch on to the art of letting go, you just might feel better.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
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