It's All About You...Or, My Thoughts On Self-Disclosure In Your Therapy--Part I

Individual therapy is a unique relationship between two people. One is encouraged to come in and share any and all details of his/her personal life in an effort to gain self-insight, make decisions around personal growth and change, and process deep and personal feelings and experiences from the past and present.  The other person--the therapist--sits and listens, usually addressing only what the client brings into the room in a professionally concerned manner.

I've been asked more than once, How come I tell you everything and you never say anything about yourself?

Self-disclosure by therapists is...well, very individual. Most therapists are trained, in general terms, to disclose personal information only as it serves the best interest of the client, i.e., you.  The term "best interest" is open to interpretation by each therapist, which means that one therapist may be vastly more self-disclosing than another. 

I tend to err on the side of "less is more." And the reason is simple: this is your therapy, your session, your journey, your time, your money--the only thing about me that should enter the room is an experience, an anecdote or a  personal detail that will specifically be beneficial to you.

Why "How are you?" is a thoughtful, but loaded question.
My clients often settle into a session with a  polite, "How are you?" to which I always smile and answer, "Fine. Where would you like to begin today?"  Clients who know me well, know that I won't say more. The reason? Everyone occasionally has a bad day, even your therapist. However, it's not your job to soothe, cajole or otherwise take care of my needs.  I'll be ok.  And, for some clients, it can be less difficult to divert the conversation to me and my problems, than to talk about their own difficulty. And this can put a roadblock in the way of the real reason you're here. 

My experiences are not the important experiences in the room.
Yours are. How I might react, my history in a similar situation, my personal experience in a similar setting are largely irrelevant, as it's your reaction, your history, your personal experiences that matter. Because we're all unique human beings with different histories and backgrounds, it would be presumptuous--and unprofessional--of me to begin to think that you would react to a given situation or pain the same as I would.  The important information about your distress is about you.


My feelings are not the important feelings in the room.
Again, yours are. If you ask me in session, How would that make you feel?, I'm likely to gently ask you how it made you feel.  Your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are some of the variables that we'll work with in session to help you achieve the changes you're looking for.  My feelings about your experiences--aside from my desire to be non-judgemental and compassionate--are simply irrelevant. My goal is to help you by making it safe to look inward.

 If you spend your time focusing on me, you're not focusing on yourself.
Many therapists, including myself, have spent time in therapy looking at our own issues and difficulties in life.  That said, most therapists can empathize with the fact that, as a client, it's sometimes easier to talk about something other than yourself.  However, it's in your best interest--there's that phrase again--to keep the conversation focused on your experiences, feelings and movement forward toward your therapeutic goals.

Next time: It's All About You, Part II: More about the professional nature of the client-therapist relationship and keeping healthy boundaries.


Thanks for listening.