When I Google "effective listening," over 5 million results pop up. Clearly, listening is on the minds of alot of us these days. Currently, there are over 35 research studies that indicate that listening is a top skill needed for success in business. I might add, it's a skill that enhances a great many relationships, too.
It's estimated that 70% of our time communicating is dedicated to listening. And yet, some studies show that we may be listening at only a 25% comprehension rate. That can be a discomforting statistic, considering that 85 % of what we learn is through listening.
When it comes to working with couples, "good listener" is on the wish list of most every couple. We want our significant other to hear us. And, yet, unless we're listening to understand, chances are we're not going to be effective listeners; and it's unlikely our partner will feel heard.
How Do You Listen?
Have you ever met that rare human being who seems to hang on your every word? We leave a conversation with them feeling like we were the only person in the room when we spoke with them. We feel heard, listened to, valued and...well, important. And we usually look forward to speaking with them again.
It's likely that these gifted folks are listening to understand. They have a genuine interest in knowing and understanding what we have to say. They don't have an agenda. They simply listen. If they ask questions, it's usually just to have us clarify a point.
Here are a few ways we all listen at times. While these may serve us in some venues, they rarely are effective when trying to improve communication with our loved ones.
Listening to teach. When we listen to teach, it's likely that our minds are on our response while the speaker is talking. We're taking in some of what we're hearing, but formulating our rebuttal at the same time. We often can't wait for the speaker to finish so we can set him or her straight. But, when we do interrupt, the message we're sending is I really don't value what you're saying--what I have to say is more worthwhile. And, preparing your answer while the other person is talking keeps you from hearing everything the speaker is saying.
Listening to compete. Sometimes we treat a conversation as a way to score points. However, while we're formulating our strategy to "win" the conversation, we lose our ability to hear the other person completely, which can keep us from fully understanding and seeing things from a different point of view.
Listening to impress. When we listen to impress, we impair our listening by planning our next dazzling comment or brilliant challenge--instead of paying attention to the speaker. In essence, what we're planning to say becomes more important than what's being said. And most of the time, the speaker will feel our inattention.
Listening to correct. When we listen this way we are, essentially, waiting to be provoked. We're on guard for inflammatory words, phrases and topics that can send us to our self-righteous place that requires defending. It's no wonder that the speaker feels "pounced" upon, because we've been waiting for just that opportunity.
And finally....
Listening to blame. Blame differs from correction because the goal isn't just to find fault--it's to shift responsibility back to the listener. This is listening to deflect. We become "Teflon," allowing nothing to stick to ourselves. And we're so hypervigilent in our defense of self that listening becomes a secondary task.
Because we listen at about 125-150 words per minute but think at 1,000-3,000 words per minute, we have excess capacity to think about what others are saying while they speak. The best listeners use this capacity to gain clearer understanding of the speaker, not to strategize ways to teach, compete, impress, correct or blame.
When we listen with any ulterior motive, we're using that spare capacity to prepare our next move in the conversation. And listening suffers.
The Zen part? An old Zen proverb says, "When walking, walk, When eating, eat."
When listening, listen. It's one of the greatest gifts you can give your colleagues, friends and loved ones. Sometimes, it's all they need.
As always, thank you for listening.
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