In my last post, I included a few elements of better communication that may help couples in difficulty. I mentioned "time-outs" and wanted to circle back and offer a more detailed explanation here.
Anyone who has had the privilege of raising children in the past thirty years is likely to be familiar with the concept of the "time-out." If you were raised with time-outs chances are you dreaded them. Used in their least effective form, as punishment for "bad" behaviors, they were often simply a way to call a halt to chaos and send the opposing parties to opposite corners. More effective, but equally punitive versions of the time-out added the ominous dictum, "And you just think about what you've done!" At worst, they brought a temporary halt to conflict; at their best, children may have actually pondered their offending behaviors. Somewhere along the way, clever children figured out the magic words to get out of jail, which went something like: "Mom, I've thought about my behavior and I realize that it was inappropriate. I want to make better choices in the future." Contrite, eloquent, introspective--this perfect (and often dumbfounding) response has probably cut collective time-out sentences by three of four hundred years--in California alone.
Kidding aside, the concept has merit and it has been adapted for adults, with a few key differences:
1. Adult time-outs are designed to diffuse, not punish. Couples in my office have reported the ability to go "from zero to sixty" in five seconds; that is, their anger can flash quickly to the point that they have reported a "blind rage" or literally, "seeing red." When this happens, most conversations go from meaningful to just plain mean in the same flash. Adult time-outs are designed to give a couple a prearranged plan to stop conversation instantly when either party feels he or she cannot continue without the danger of descending into loud, angry, hurtful drivel.
2. Adult time-outs are prearranged. To work, the rules of adult time-outs are discussed ahead of time in (ideally) a calm, safe environment where both of you acknowledge that you would like to use this tool to diffuse your traditionally volatile interchanges. You both agree that you'd like for your conversations to hurt less. And you'd prefer to say what you really mean instead of being really mean. While you're calm and feeling safe with each other, you set the code word that will start the time-out, and you arrange, in advance, how long your time-outs will last and where you will regroup when the time-out ends.
3. They're used for cooling off, not shutting down. They can be called by either party. And, in the heat of the moment, no justification needs to be offered. A simple "time out" or other code word, that has been agreed to by both of you, is all it takes to halt the conversation and allow for cooling-off.
4. They last for an agreed-upon period of time. Couples I've worked with usually find that a half-hour time-out is effective, but you may find that a longer (or shorter) period works for you. Take a short walk, read, meditate--again, whatever works for you. One simple way to re-start the conversation on a positive note is to honor your partner by honoring your agreement: regroup at the designated place--on time.
5. Effective time-outs mean being out of sight. Many couples find it difficult to have a time-out in the same room. Finding space to be physically away from each other tends to facilitate calming, and lessens the likelihood of you sending damaging non-verbals (scowls, grunts or "the finger") across the room.
6. You get to have a "do-over." Adult time-outs require you to dig down deep and call upon the part of you that really is, well... adult. You've got to genuinely want for things to go differently when you regroup. And you have to genuinely examine how you might attempt to say things in a way that helps, not hurts, the conversation--and your partner.
7. If at first you don't succeed.... If you regroup and conversation #2 isn't working, call another time out. And, if needed, another. And another. One couple I worked with reported calling 6 time-outs in the first try. If you find it's not working, look at items 1-6 above and be honest: are you doing it the way it's designed to work, or are you skipping or changing crucial parts? Keep your eye on the prize: to remove the anger and impulsivity from your talk. It might take a few tries to make it work.
And finally: Remember, not everything works for everybody. Others may offer different ways to make the time-out work better, and if that works better for you, great! But if you follow both the letter and the spirit of the adult time-out, you may find that you're hurling fewer unkind words--and hearing fewer, too. And, when you think about it, who turns a deaf ear to a kind word?
Thanks for listening.
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