I work with seniors in a therapy group designed to deal with many issues which are appropriate and common to their stage of life, among them, how can I get my adult children to see me for exactly who I am?
If you have aging parents, think about it: Do I really listen to them?
If you're truly listening, you're likely to hear some things you already know, but don't want to accept, like: I'm not 55 any more. I can't move as fast as you think I can. It's too physically taxing to cook the holiday dinners any more--please don't ask me to do it. I miss your father (mother) terribly and I feel lonely much of the time. Getting out of the house is a challenge, especially with all those stairs. I can't hear you as well as I used to. And the list goes on.
The complaint I hear most often, as aging parents open up about their relationships with their adult children is: My children can't face the fact that I'm aging. It seems to be too much for them to handle, so they just ignore it and tell me how great I'm doing. The truth--how I really am--they just won't or can't accept it.
Conventional reasoning suggests a simple reason why you can't accept an aging parent's reality: It threatens, on some level, your own mortality.
Possible? Perhaps. Consider the fact that once your parents die, you--your generation of siblings, cousins, friends and schoolmates--are next in line to go.
I don't mean to be morbid here, just realistic. Again, these are facts that almost everyone knows on some level; but many of us have difficulty actually accepting them. And, by extension, it can be difficult to hear and accept our aging parents' actual decline.
Aging parent? Adult child? I sympathize with you both. As I've often said, old age isn't for sissies.
I truly believe that one gift you can give your aging parents is the gift of acceptance. Hear them when they say, "I can't do that any more, " or "It's really difficult living alone," or "I'm scared of dying."
What do parents want most from you? Quit trying to fix it. Just listen.
And, ultimately, you know that they're right. It's very, very unlikely that you will be able to "fix" old age. What you can do is meet your aging mom or dad right where they are. Offer advice when asked. Pay attention to changes in health and mental status. Offer to help them cope. Don't ignore or sidestep their limitations.
For children of aging parents, it can feel like a balancing act between doing nothing and forcing our agenda on a parent "for their own good." This will be a dance that you do with each other. But, you will not be able to help--a little or alot--until you actually hear and accept your parents for exactly who they are now.
For some families, reaching that level of understanding may be all the "help" the parent will accept. For others that understanding, that we all get old and die, may enable you to actually talk with your parents about life and death, and how to navigate their days to come.
From a professional standpoint, much of healthy family functioning--at any lifestage--starts with listening and acceptance. From a personal standpoint, I know how important it was that, in her last years, my sister and I accept my mother's limitations, along with the natural decline that comes as one passes 70, 80, 90 and beyond. It made it easier to help negotiate her last years with dignity-- honoring her safety, her true wishes and, ultimately, her happiness. And, isn't that, fundamentally, what we want for our loved ones?
Until next time, call your mother. And, thanks for listening.
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