"Please" & "Thank You," Or, Minding Manners Mends Marriages.

Have you ever noticed that we sometimes treat strangers better than we treat family? I've noticed that, often, couples treat me, as their therapist, with much more courtesy than they afford each other. And couples often complain that their spouses doesn't know what each needs from the other in the relationship.

Perhaps, at times, it's all in the way we ask.

It could also be, that in our need to "get" something from our spouse, that we forget to tell him/her how much they mean to us. This leads to feeling taken for granted, resentment and misunderstanding. Not exactly fertile ground for an important request.

Try this instead. First, one of you--it doesn't matter which one--address the other. Face each other and take one another's hands in yours. Speaking slowly and deliberately, look directly into each other's eyes, and one of you will say,

          "One thing that I absolutely and genuinely love about you is ________."

Fill in the blank succinctly--one thing, easily understood, with no additional baggage, such as ...but I wish you were more like that all the time  or ...unfortunately your other habits make me so mad.... Don't undo the good. Just say one thing. And mean it.

The receiver of this complement has a job to do, too: just say "Thank you." And shut up. Don't evaluate, don't feign surprise. Accept what has just been said, and say "Thank you." Nothing more.

Next, reverse roles.

Notice how it feels to hear something positive and genuine from your partner.

Repeat two times.

After this exercise you might find it easier to try asking for something you'd really like from your partner. So try it, gently, this way:

Facing your partner, holding hands, looking into each other's eyes, one asks: "One thing that I would really like from you in our relationship is __________." Again, be succinct. One thing that is understandable, not a litany of needs. Just one thing. And be still.

The receiver has three--and only these--necessary responses:
1. I hear that what you would like from me is ____________.
2. I hear that this is really important to you.
3. I will try my best.

And nothing more.  You have given your partner three important gifts: the gift of hearing him/her accurately, the gift of understanding the importance of the request, and the gift of a promise to try.

Now, reverse roles.

It's probably best to make only one or two requests of one another to start.  Then the work starts of being mindful throughout the week of the request you've made and responded to. For this to work, you do have to try to meet the request. This being said, you, the requester, need to acknowledge your partner's efforts as opposed to pointing out failed attempts.  It takes being mindful of your goals: to hear each other accurately,  to honor the importance of what you partner needs, and to try to give each other what you've asked for.

There is no magic to this exercise. Like all attempts to improve communication, success is directly related to your willingness to try to improve your own behavior. As I've said in previous posts, you can only be successful when you work to understand each other, not to "win" over each other.

Does this exercise work? Yes. Sometimes. When a couple is really ready to give up winning and start understanding.

If you'd like, please give it a try. And, as always, thank you for listening.