From time to time I attend seminars and workshops, partly because all licensed therapists are required to fulfill a quota of continuing education hours and, partly because I need and want to continue to grow as a therapist. This being said, I was recently intrigued by a talk on the subject, "Psychotherapy and Spirituality."
At first, the two subjects may sound rather disconnected. But, at closer examination, they're connected in some fundamental ways. The speaker at this recent talk made some wonderful points, but what I'd like to convey here is a story that illustrates the journey many of us make at one point or another. It's a journey where the experiences of spirituality and therapy can intersect, with profound results.
The story goes like this (with apologies to those who remember it differently or more completely).
There once was an elephant who thought he was a mosquito. He tried very hard to behave as mosquito. He attempted to flit and fly, buzz, light on flowers and tree limbs and ponds--all to disastrous results. And, consequently, he was very unhappy.
Yet, he continued to approach his life endeavors as a mosquito, albeit a very unhappy one. Like other mosquitoes, he earnestly wished to have another mosquito as his life partner, and tried dating other mosquitoes, again, with no success.
This was one very unhappy guy.
Time passed and, undeterred, he continued to pursue his goal to be a happy, successful mosquito. But with no luck.
Finally, feeling greatly discouraged, the elephant was drawn to do some "spiritual work" in order to "find the true mosquito within." It didn't happen. But what did happen, with some spiritual guidance, was that the elephant began to see the truth of who he was--that is, not a mosquito, but an elephant.
Our speaker, also a therapist, asserts that the true healing happens not when you get what you want but, rather, when you discover and can be happy with who you truly are.
So how does this relate to psychotherapy? Pretty well, actually. Our speaker (and many other therapists and academics in the field) believes that the wear and tear of life--the abuse, neglect and emotional distress we encounter--causes us to build a protective armour around ourselves. To survive, we insulate ourselves from our own reality. And this keeps us from knowing who we truly are.
The root work of psychotherapy, many believe, is to help us find our true selves.
The root work of spirituality, for many, is to help us make meaningful contact with ourselves, our place in this universe and our way of being.
I sit daily with individuals and couples who struggle to make sense of their lives, their choices, their present circumstances and their futures. It is not my job to judge, offer pithy advice or witty discourse. In fact, as our speaker so aptly put it, the successful therapist is a "grownup" who is "quite unspectacular" but constantly present. Resistant to contrivance or cleverness, the therapist's job--my true job--is but to listen and allow my clients to discover where their armour is and, as a result, who they truly are. Sometimes, to their initial dismay but to their eventual relief--and joy--they discover that they are mosquitoes, not elephants.
And, that there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing whatsoever.
Until next time, as always, thanks for listening.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
"Please" & "Thank You," Or, Minding Manners Mends Marriages.
Have you ever noticed that we sometimes treat strangers better than we treat family? I've noticed that, often, couples treat me, as their therapist, with much more courtesy than they afford each other. And couples often complain that their spouses doesn't know what each needs from the other in the relationship.
Perhaps, at times, it's all in the way we ask.
It could also be, that in our need to "get" something from our spouse, that we forget to tell him/her how much they mean to us. This leads to feeling taken for granted, resentment and misunderstanding. Not exactly fertile ground for an important request.
Try this instead. First, one of you--it doesn't matter which one--address the other. Face each other and take one another's hands in yours. Speaking slowly and deliberately, look directly into each other's eyes, and one of you will say,
"One thing that I absolutely and genuinely love about you is ________."
Fill in the blank succinctly--one thing, easily understood, with no additional baggage, such as ...but I wish you were more like that all the time or ...unfortunately your other habits make me so mad.... Don't undo the good. Just say one thing. And mean it.
The receiver of this complement has a job to do, too: just say "Thank you." And shut up. Don't evaluate, don't feign surprise. Accept what has just been said, and say "Thank you." Nothing more.
Next, reverse roles.
Notice how it feels to hear something positive and genuine from your partner.
Repeat two times.
After this exercise you might find it easier to try asking for something you'd really like from your partner. So try it, gently, this way:
Facing your partner, holding hands, looking into each other's eyes, one asks: "One thing that I would really like from you in our relationship is __________." Again, be succinct. One thing that is understandable, not a litany of needs. Just one thing. And be still.
The receiver has three--and only these--necessary responses:
1. I hear that what you would like from me is ____________.
2. I hear that this is really important to you.
3. I will try my best.
And nothing more. You have given your partner three important gifts: the gift of hearing him/her accurately, the gift of understanding the importance of the request, and the gift of a promise to try.
Now, reverse roles.
It's probably best to make only one or two requests of one another to start. Then the work starts of being mindful throughout the week of the request you've made and responded to. For this to work, you do have to try to meet the request. This being said, you, the requester, need to acknowledge your partner's efforts as opposed to pointing out failed attempts. It takes being mindful of your goals: to hear each other accurately, to honor the importance of what you partner needs, and to try to give each other what you've asked for.
There is no magic to this exercise. Like all attempts to improve communication, success is directly related to your willingness to try to improve your own behavior. As I've said in previous posts, you can only be successful when you work to understand each other, not to "win" over each other.
Does this exercise work? Yes. Sometimes. When a couple is really ready to give up winning and start understanding.
If you'd like, please give it a try. And, as always, thank you for listening.
Perhaps, at times, it's all in the way we ask.
It could also be, that in our need to "get" something from our spouse, that we forget to tell him/her how much they mean to us. This leads to feeling taken for granted, resentment and misunderstanding. Not exactly fertile ground for an important request.
Try this instead. First, one of you--it doesn't matter which one--address the other. Face each other and take one another's hands in yours. Speaking slowly and deliberately, look directly into each other's eyes, and one of you will say,
"One thing that I absolutely and genuinely love about you is ________."
Fill in the blank succinctly--one thing, easily understood, with no additional baggage, such as ...but I wish you were more like that all the time or ...unfortunately your other habits make me so mad.... Don't undo the good. Just say one thing. And mean it.
The receiver of this complement has a job to do, too: just say "Thank you." And shut up. Don't evaluate, don't feign surprise. Accept what has just been said, and say "Thank you." Nothing more.
Next, reverse roles.
Notice how it feels to hear something positive and genuine from your partner.
Repeat two times.
After this exercise you might find it easier to try asking for something you'd really like from your partner. So try it, gently, this way:
Facing your partner, holding hands, looking into each other's eyes, one asks: "One thing that I would really like from you in our relationship is __________." Again, be succinct. One thing that is understandable, not a litany of needs. Just one thing. And be still.
The receiver has three--and only these--necessary responses:
1. I hear that what you would like from me is ____________.
2. I hear that this is really important to you.
3. I will try my best.
And nothing more. You have given your partner three important gifts: the gift of hearing him/her accurately, the gift of understanding the importance of the request, and the gift of a promise to try.
Now, reverse roles.
It's probably best to make only one or two requests of one another to start. Then the work starts of being mindful throughout the week of the request you've made and responded to. For this to work, you do have to try to meet the request. This being said, you, the requester, need to acknowledge your partner's efforts as opposed to pointing out failed attempts. It takes being mindful of your goals: to hear each other accurately, to honor the importance of what you partner needs, and to try to give each other what you've asked for.
There is no magic to this exercise. Like all attempts to improve communication, success is directly related to your willingness to try to improve your own behavior. As I've said in previous posts, you can only be successful when you work to understand each other, not to "win" over each other.
Does this exercise work? Yes. Sometimes. When a couple is really ready to give up winning and start understanding.
If you'd like, please give it a try. And, as always, thank you for listening.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Your AARP Card Is In The Mail, Or, Getting Older Takes Attitude.
Many of us of a certain age (50+) have had the pleasure of the cheery notification from AARP (The American Association of Retired Persons), which reads something like, "Congratulations! You are eligible for the many benefits of AARP! Don't wait! Reply today for these exciting membership benefits...." And it goes on to tell you the many--and actually very beneficial--reasons to join the ranks of your cohort of 50+ year-olds.
It also says You are now officially an old fart.
I have compared notes with others who have received this notice. The reactions varied from "Who cares?" to "It felt like my draft notice." All kidding aside, this is, in my opinion, a great organization. If for no other reason that its AARP prescription discount actually saved my mother significant dollars on her medications in her later years.
The operative words here are "mother" and "later years." Not me. Not at my age.
I have to say that I have nothing against aging or getting older. I have no illusions about my age, my looks or my stage of life. I've earned my laugh lines. I exercise to stay in reasonable shape, but my knees remind me, almost daily that, despite the fact that they've each survived trauma, and a major surgery , they have continued to serve me faithfully for more than 21,000 days--and they are tired. And yet, I soldier on.
I have good friends and family who are pushing into their 60s and 70s with varying degrees of acceptance and grace. Some claim to "embrace" their age; others grit their teeth and endure it; still others seems to go blithely on without so much as a blip. They look wonderful, eat everything they want, sleep great, are as active as they care to be and, for the most part, exude contentment.
My mother was like that. All the way up to age 92, when she died.
So, how do they do it, those contented acceptors and doers of the improbable? How do they flourish in old age?
One word seems to surface again and again, in both my personal and professional observations of thriving older people: attitude.
A positive, accepting, realistic attitude about old age is about the only thing they have in common. Other than this, they have varying degrees of health, independence, social support and financial security. It seems, from what I can gather both professionally and anecdotally, that attitude is the key. Not a Pollyanna attitude, but one that says, without reservation, Yes I am (fill in the appropriate age--truthfully) and I'm basically ok with that. I recognize my limitations, but I also embrace my remaining abilities. I am grateful for what is, not despondent over what isn't.
Easy. No. Not for one minute would I pretend that those flourishing in old age have come by their stellar attitudes with ease. It has take them some combination of work: self-examination, self-reflection, acceptance of what is and the ability to ask for help. None of these are easy, and yet, the payoff can be big.
So, AARP, bring it on. While I have resisted joining for the past 8 years, who knows? You may get me sooner than I might like, but later then you have invited me. I really don't have anything against you or getting older. It will just take me some time to adjust to the idea that, like everyone else, if I'm lucky, I will get old.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
It also says You are now officially an old fart.
I have compared notes with others who have received this notice. The reactions varied from "Who cares?" to "It felt like my draft notice." All kidding aside, this is, in my opinion, a great organization. If for no other reason that its AARP prescription discount actually saved my mother significant dollars on her medications in her later years.
The operative words here are "mother" and "later years." Not me. Not at my age.
I have to say that I have nothing against aging or getting older. I have no illusions about my age, my looks or my stage of life. I've earned my laugh lines. I exercise to stay in reasonable shape, but my knees remind me, almost daily that, despite the fact that they've each survived trauma, and a major surgery , they have continued to serve me faithfully for more than 21,000 days--and they are tired. And yet, I soldier on.
I have good friends and family who are pushing into their 60s and 70s with varying degrees of acceptance and grace. Some claim to "embrace" their age; others grit their teeth and endure it; still others seems to go blithely on without so much as a blip. They look wonderful, eat everything they want, sleep great, are as active as they care to be and, for the most part, exude contentment.
My mother was like that. All the way up to age 92, when she died.
So, how do they do it, those contented acceptors and doers of the improbable? How do they flourish in old age?
One word seems to surface again and again, in both my personal and professional observations of thriving older people: attitude.
A positive, accepting, realistic attitude about old age is about the only thing they have in common. Other than this, they have varying degrees of health, independence, social support and financial security. It seems, from what I can gather both professionally and anecdotally, that attitude is the key. Not a Pollyanna attitude, but one that says, without reservation, Yes I am (fill in the appropriate age--truthfully) and I'm basically ok with that. I recognize my limitations, but I also embrace my remaining abilities. I am grateful for what is, not despondent over what isn't.
Easy. No. Not for one minute would I pretend that those flourishing in old age have come by their stellar attitudes with ease. It has take them some combination of work: self-examination, self-reflection, acceptance of what is and the ability to ask for help. None of these are easy, and yet, the payoff can be big.
So, AARP, bring it on. While I have resisted joining for the past 8 years, who knows? You may get me sooner than I might like, but later then you have invited me. I really don't have anything against you or getting older. It will just take me some time to adjust to the idea that, like everyone else, if I'm lucky, I will get old.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
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