With the Thanksgiving holiday dinner behind us, we now shift into the December holiday rush: parties with friends, work receptions, holiday open houses and family dinners. The difficulty becomes: How can I (we) be at two places at once?
With non-family functions, the pressure is somewhat diminished by the fact that, while invitations are, in effect, gifts of time and (often) refreshment, they are NOT command performances. That is, we can often find graceful ways to say "no" that don't devastate the host.
Family, however, can be another matter.
Parents, in particular, can and do have a difficult time sharing sons and daughters with in-laws. Depending on the degree of dysfunction, families can (and do) exert both implicit and explicit pressure on family members to share the joy of the season--with US!
Clients have reported an array of family tactics designed to turn an invitation into an offer you can't refuse.
Often-used , and quite effective is familial guilt: Don't worry about spending the holidays with us. It will break your father's heart, but we'll be fine. After all, there's always next year...assuming we're all here. Does it make you feel bad? Well, it's designed to do just that. Seems ironic in the season of "good will," doesn't it? And yet, in an effort to orchestrate, arrange and otherwise control, some families deck the halls with guilt, not gilt, to get what they want.
The antidote? Honesty. Yes. Simply tell the truth. Mom, we just can't make the trip this year. With two kids and two car seats, all the toys and the difficulty of travel, we just can't do it. Or, I know you're disappointed. So am I. But we want to experience a holiday in our own home this year. And we'd love to see you here,...visit in January...come for your birthday, etc. Once you've invoked the honesty clause, stick to it. You love your relatives? Tell them. But stick to your guns. The only result of caving will be that you end up where you don't really want to be, feeling resentful and not so jolly.
Another is the "logical argument." It makes the most sense that we spend the holidays at your sister's house. She has all that room, and we'll all be so comfortable there. Yes, yes, I know you'll have to fly across the country, but don't you see how this plan is best for everyone? It can seem logical to everyone who must make the least effort, but not so much to those who have to submit to the rigors of holiday travel. Ask yourself, Can we undertake the effort, time and expense of this plan? If the answer is "yes," then succumbing to logic will sit well with you. If, however, circumstances make "the plan" undoable for you, you need to ask for what you need.
The antidote? Tell the truth. Dad, the truth is, we don't want to travel during the holidays. And, for the first time, we'd like the kids to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning--just like I did when I was a child. We're creating our own traditions here. And we'll share the ones with you that we can. Again, if you end up caving--even to a logical request--you'll likely end up resentful, tense, irritable and more like Scrooge than Santa.
And loved ones sometimes invoke....Passive-aggressive manipulation. This can take the form of silence, overly "cordial" emails and phone calls, or feigned indifference after you have asked for the holiday arrangement you really want--and need. The communication can be overt or subtle, but the intent is the same: to let you know that someone is not pleased with you.
To counter such behaviors you might try...name that elephant. Calmly and with as much affection as you can muster, you might say, Mom, I know that you want us to spend the holidays at your house, but, as I said before, we will be staying with Ted's family this year. I know you're disappointed. We'll be talking with you all during the holidays, and sending you photos, etc....
As much as gathering, greeting and giving can create fond holiday memories, keep in mind that that holiday traditions are meant to serve us--not the other way around. What was fun and easy when you were single and 20 or 30 may not be fun--or even reasonable--now. Lives, and circumstances, change.
In the true spirit of the holiday, give what you can in terms of gifts, talents and time. And also remember to give yourself the gift of autonomy: the right of self-government or self-determination. Despite the fact that you have friends and relatives who want you to behave in a certain way this holiday season, remember that you also have a wonderful and timeless gift that is uniquely yours: a voice.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
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