If ever a single day of the year gets a big build-up, it's December 25th. Literally billions of dollars are spent on gifts, advertisements, holiday food and drink, travel--and the list goes on. All culminating with, hopefully, convivial gatherings, reunited families, festive moments with friends, grinning and satisfied children, and a few moments of contemplation on the inherent goodness of our fellow earthlings.
Followed by a giant exhale and the inevitable question: now what?
After the frenzy to make the season bright, special, happy and merry, the aftermath can arrive as a letdown in contrast to the many-week build up. With no more gifts to buy or unwrap, no holiday meals to prepare, no more festive gatherings, no special foods, no cards or calls-- we ask ourselves, now what?
For some, the answer is simply, move on to the new year. Take down the tree and store the lights and ornaments until next year. Get back into the routine of work (or searching for it if you're between jobs), muddle through the mundane, toast the New Year, go on that diet--and get on with it.
For others, the void left by the holiday is harder to shake. It's the absence left by families and friends that go back home. Disappointments in holiday expectations weren't met. Frustration with the economic realities--and bills--of the coming January. And, for some, the shorter days--no longer punctuated by bright holiday lights--can bring on the blues.
What can you do? Well, here are a few ideas that might help.
Count your blessings. Yes, as down as you might feel, you are blessed. Focus on what you have. Make a list of people, circumstances and attributes you are grateful for. Write down one blessing, how ever small, on a note pad each night. At the end a year you'll have 365 notable blessings that are yours.
Reality test your self-talk. I've mentioned self-talk in a previous post. We all have self-talk, mostly without moving our lips. If you're telling yourself things that bring you down, stop and ask yourself: Is that statement really true? How accurate am I being with myself? Can I edit out any drama? And...what can I do to make things better?
If your negative self-talk isn't true, then stop it. If it is, focus on things you can do to bring the situation more into your control. If you can't do anything to change it, entertain the concept, What would it be like to accept things just as they are? And, related to finding the positive...
Surround yourself with positive people. Negative people can drag you down, making the post-holiday blues seem downright bleak. Practice being a positive person yourself, finding ways to say "yes," be cooperative and generally add to the betterment of your days and others'. Pepper your interactions with more "please" and "thank you," and less #*%&!
Start your new year as a volunteer. It doesn't really matter what you volunteer to do, just do something! Studies show that people who volunteer tend to feel significantly better about themselves than people who don't. And your activity in service to others will likely take your mind off the things that bring you down. Bag groceries for the local food bank, read to the blind, tutor the young, sit and visit with shut-ins. They will be grateful for your interest and effort--and you'll benefit far more than they.
Look forward, not back. Plan something special. It doesn't need to be expensive or lavish. Plan to visit with an old friend you've lost touch with. Pack a sandwich and eat in the park or by the beach. Set aside a little money each week--if possible--for a special treat you'd like in the future. Window shop, make your special soup and share it with a friend, plan a "me day" and pamper yourself as you're able. The looking forward to special events can be as satisfying as the events themselves.
And finally, move! Get off the couch, up out of your office chair, out from in front of the TV or computer screen--and move! Check with your doctor first to be sure that even mild exercise won't hurt you--and then just walk. Studies have shown that a brisk 20-minute walk every day can lighten your mood, and your scale! You needn't be an Olympic athlete to be a winner from the benefits of exercise. Weather in the way? Put on your favorite music and dance, march in place, sway--just move.
More on the holiday blues and winter blahs as we move into January.
Until then, Happy New Year, and thanks for listening.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Do You Hear What I Hear? The Quiet Of The Season.
It may just be my imagination, but along about the 23rd or so, a calm seems to descend upon the frenzy that is Christmas. By now, like it or not, we're only two days away and most of what needs to get done is either done, or isn't going to get done.
Said another way, the rush is dying down and the calm is growing.
It feels like we can take a collective breath, admire what's been accomplished, allow for what has not, and look forward to whatever Christmas traditions that beckon 48 hours from now.
For those who take a break from work, however brief, there's likely a pause from routine, and a chance to reflect on what Christmas (or Hanukkah or Quanza) means to us. Regardless of how we feel as adults, it's almost impossible to ignore the excitement of children, the beauty of the decorations, and the majesty of the music.
The season--for all its commercialism--is a time to pause. It could be my optimism showing through, but people seem to be a little kinder. They let you guide your sleigh--ok, your car--into the lane you need to be in. The clerk at the hardware store smiles. The bagger at the grocery grins and asks if you're "ready" for the holidays.
The season gives us all kinds of permission. Permission to be a little silly. People don goofy Santa hats, glowing Christmas light necklaces and even elf shoes.
Permission to break the ice in a communication stalemate--after all, who could fault you for sending a holiday card or calling to wish season's greetings?
Permission to treat yourself with an occasional cookie, eggnog or other indulgence. Even permission to snag that bargain sweater for a gift, and maybe one for yourself.
Permission to reconnect with your faith--no matter how lapsed it might feel or how long it's been.
And, yes, Virginia, it gives us--in the face of an awful economy, political unrest, unpredictable and destructive weather, war, need, and loved ones far away--permission to renew. To look for the star in the east. And permission to hope.
With that, I bid you joy in your hearts this season.
Until, next time, thanks for listening.
Said another way, the rush is dying down and the calm is growing.
It feels like we can take a collective breath, admire what's been accomplished, allow for what has not, and look forward to whatever Christmas traditions that beckon 48 hours from now.
For those who take a break from work, however brief, there's likely a pause from routine, and a chance to reflect on what Christmas (or Hanukkah or Quanza) means to us. Regardless of how we feel as adults, it's almost impossible to ignore the excitement of children, the beauty of the decorations, and the majesty of the music.
The season--for all its commercialism--is a time to pause. It could be my optimism showing through, but people seem to be a little kinder. They let you guide your sleigh--ok, your car--into the lane you need to be in. The clerk at the hardware store smiles. The bagger at the grocery grins and asks if you're "ready" for the holidays.
The season gives us all kinds of permission. Permission to be a little silly. People don goofy Santa hats, glowing Christmas light necklaces and even elf shoes.
Permission to break the ice in a communication stalemate--after all, who could fault you for sending a holiday card or calling to wish season's greetings?
Permission to treat yourself with an occasional cookie, eggnog or other indulgence. Even permission to snag that bargain sweater for a gift, and maybe one for yourself.
Permission to reconnect with your faith--no matter how lapsed it might feel or how long it's been.
And, yes, Virginia, it gives us--in the face of an awful economy, political unrest, unpredictable and destructive weather, war, need, and loved ones far away--permission to renew. To look for the star in the east. And permission to hope.
With that, I bid you joy in your hearts this season.
Until, next time, thanks for listening.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Dance Of The Holiday Invitations, or Send In The Clones.
With the Thanksgiving holiday dinner behind us, we now shift into the December holiday rush: parties with friends, work receptions, holiday open houses and family dinners. The difficulty becomes: How can I (we) be at two places at once?
With non-family functions, the pressure is somewhat diminished by the fact that, while invitations are, in effect, gifts of time and (often) refreshment, they are NOT command performances. That is, we can often find graceful ways to say "no" that don't devastate the host.
Family, however, can be another matter.
Parents, in particular, can and do have a difficult time sharing sons and daughters with in-laws. Depending on the degree of dysfunction, families can (and do) exert both implicit and explicit pressure on family members to share the joy of the season--with US!
Clients have reported an array of family tactics designed to turn an invitation into an offer you can't refuse.
Often-used , and quite effective is familial guilt: Don't worry about spending the holidays with us. It will break your father's heart, but we'll be fine. After all, there's always next year...assuming we're all here. Does it make you feel bad? Well, it's designed to do just that. Seems ironic in the season of "good will," doesn't it? And yet, in an effort to orchestrate, arrange and otherwise control, some families deck the halls with guilt, not gilt, to get what they want.
The antidote? Honesty. Yes. Simply tell the truth. Mom, we just can't make the trip this year. With two kids and two car seats, all the toys and the difficulty of travel, we just can't do it. Or, I know you're disappointed. So am I. But we want to experience a holiday in our own home this year. And we'd love to see you here,...visit in January...come for your birthday, etc. Once you've invoked the honesty clause, stick to it. You love your relatives? Tell them. But stick to your guns. The only result of caving will be that you end up where you don't really want to be, feeling resentful and not so jolly.
Another is the "logical argument." It makes the most sense that we spend the holidays at your sister's house. She has all that room, and we'll all be so comfortable there. Yes, yes, I know you'll have to fly across the country, but don't you see how this plan is best for everyone? It can seem logical to everyone who must make the least effort, but not so much to those who have to submit to the rigors of holiday travel. Ask yourself, Can we undertake the effort, time and expense of this plan? If the answer is "yes," then succumbing to logic will sit well with you. If, however, circumstances make "the plan" undoable for you, you need to ask for what you need.
The antidote? Tell the truth. Dad, the truth is, we don't want to travel during the holidays. And, for the first time, we'd like the kids to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning--just like I did when I was a child. We're creating our own traditions here. And we'll share the ones with you that we can. Again, if you end up caving--even to a logical request--you'll likely end up resentful, tense, irritable and more like Scrooge than Santa.
And loved ones sometimes invoke....Passive-aggressive manipulation. This can take the form of silence, overly "cordial" emails and phone calls, or feigned indifference after you have asked for the holiday arrangement you really want--and need. The communication can be overt or subtle, but the intent is the same: to let you know that someone is not pleased with you.
To counter such behaviors you might try...name that elephant. Calmly and with as much affection as you can muster, you might say, Mom, I know that you want us to spend the holidays at your house, but, as I said before, we will be staying with Ted's family this year. I know you're disappointed. We'll be talking with you all during the holidays, and sending you photos, etc....
As much as gathering, greeting and giving can create fond holiday memories, keep in mind that that holiday traditions are meant to serve us--not the other way around. What was fun and easy when you were single and 20 or 30 may not be fun--or even reasonable--now. Lives, and circumstances, change.
In the true spirit of the holiday, give what you can in terms of gifts, talents and time. And also remember to give yourself the gift of autonomy: the right of self-government or self-determination. Despite the fact that you have friends and relatives who want you to behave in a certain way this holiday season, remember that you also have a wonderful and timeless gift that is uniquely yours: a voice.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
With non-family functions, the pressure is somewhat diminished by the fact that, while invitations are, in effect, gifts of time and (often) refreshment, they are NOT command performances. That is, we can often find graceful ways to say "no" that don't devastate the host.
Family, however, can be another matter.
Parents, in particular, can and do have a difficult time sharing sons and daughters with in-laws. Depending on the degree of dysfunction, families can (and do) exert both implicit and explicit pressure on family members to share the joy of the season--with US!
Clients have reported an array of family tactics designed to turn an invitation into an offer you can't refuse.
Often-used , and quite effective is familial guilt: Don't worry about spending the holidays with us. It will break your father's heart, but we'll be fine. After all, there's always next year...assuming we're all here. Does it make you feel bad? Well, it's designed to do just that. Seems ironic in the season of "good will," doesn't it? And yet, in an effort to orchestrate, arrange and otherwise control, some families deck the halls with guilt, not gilt, to get what they want.
The antidote? Honesty. Yes. Simply tell the truth. Mom, we just can't make the trip this year. With two kids and two car seats, all the toys and the difficulty of travel, we just can't do it. Or, I know you're disappointed. So am I. But we want to experience a holiday in our own home this year. And we'd love to see you here,...visit in January...come for your birthday, etc. Once you've invoked the honesty clause, stick to it. You love your relatives? Tell them. But stick to your guns. The only result of caving will be that you end up where you don't really want to be, feeling resentful and not so jolly.
Another is the "logical argument." It makes the most sense that we spend the holidays at your sister's house. She has all that room, and we'll all be so comfortable there. Yes, yes, I know you'll have to fly across the country, but don't you see how this plan is best for everyone? It can seem logical to everyone who must make the least effort, but not so much to those who have to submit to the rigors of holiday travel. Ask yourself, Can we undertake the effort, time and expense of this plan? If the answer is "yes," then succumbing to logic will sit well with you. If, however, circumstances make "the plan" undoable for you, you need to ask for what you need.
The antidote? Tell the truth. Dad, the truth is, we don't want to travel during the holidays. And, for the first time, we'd like the kids to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning--just like I did when I was a child. We're creating our own traditions here. And we'll share the ones with you that we can. Again, if you end up caving--even to a logical request--you'll likely end up resentful, tense, irritable and more like Scrooge than Santa.
And loved ones sometimes invoke....Passive-aggressive manipulation. This can take the form of silence, overly "cordial" emails and phone calls, or feigned indifference after you have asked for the holiday arrangement you really want--and need. The communication can be overt or subtle, but the intent is the same: to let you know that someone is not pleased with you.
To counter such behaviors you might try...name that elephant. Calmly and with as much affection as you can muster, you might say, Mom, I know that you want us to spend the holidays at your house, but, as I said before, we will be staying with Ted's family this year. I know you're disappointed. We'll be talking with you all during the holidays, and sending you photos, etc....
As much as gathering, greeting and giving can create fond holiday memories, keep in mind that that holiday traditions are meant to serve us--not the other way around. What was fun and easy when you were single and 20 or 30 may not be fun--or even reasonable--now. Lives, and circumstances, change.
In the true spirit of the holiday, give what you can in terms of gifts, talents and time. And also remember to give yourself the gift of autonomy: the right of self-government or self-determination. Despite the fact that you have friends and relatives who want you to behave in a certain way this holiday season, remember that you also have a wonderful and timeless gift that is uniquely yours: a voice.
Until next time, thanks for listening.
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