Stop Fighting Yourself: On Courage, Wisdom & The Serenity Prayer.

I recently Googled "The Serenity Prayer," and up came 2,130,000 results in a scant 0.9 seconds.

The reason I looked was to refresh my memory on the exact wording:
God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


The Serenity Prayer comes up a lot in my senior group discussions.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, I hold several groups each week where senior clients (mostly women, mostly in their late 70s or 80s) support each other as gravity, body chemistry,and life alter and/or take away the basics of independent living. Said another way, they're learning to cope with the effects of aging.

Aging. Talk about something "I cannot change."

I also work with a variety of other clients who are navigating the younger end of the lifespan; while not exactly challenged yet by "old age," they have their own life difficulties, some changeable, some not.

What is challenging, sometimes saddening, but always rewarding is helping and watching clients come to moments of "acceptance:"
I will not be able to drink like a "normal" person.
The relationship is over.
I will need to take medication--every day.
It's not "everybody else." It's me.


And so it goes. The realizations often come hard, but often with a sense of relief.

Once we can stop fighting the truth about ourselves, we can start devoting that energy to either courage (to face a difficult change we need to make in ourselves or our lives) or acceptance (of that part of ourselves or our relationships that is difficult, but true).

When the familiar words of the Serenity Prayer popped up on my screen,  I also saw something new. What I didn't know is that the attributed author, theologian Dr. Rheinhold Niebuhr, had a second, less quoted part of the prayer, which goes like this:

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

Regardless of your belief system--God, the universe, divine spirit--try, for a moment to plug into the basic tenet: taking this world as it is...not as you would have it,...trusting...surrendering...that I may be reasonably happy in this life.


Reasonably happy. Sounds promising. Amen

Until next time, thanks for listening.

Can It Realy Be March? Or, We're All Allowed A "Do-Over."

Winter typically give us time for introspection. The days are short; the weather is often wet, cold and drives us indoors. We may not be as active or social as we might normally be.

And so, we sit. And we think. And we ponder. Hence my last post on finding purpose in one's life.

Five short weeks later, it's March and what a difference. The days feel substantially longer (light!). The daily temperature swings a bit higher and dips not quite as low.  If you're into gardening, you know that the soil will now accept seeds (yes!) even three weeks before the last predicted frost.

In other words, spring is upon us. The season of renewal. Birds return from the south, earthworms till the soil, sun warms our faces (yes, there is usually rain--and more rain, in our area, but this season seems to be an exception).  It's the season that has traditionally signalled a "waking up" from winter, and a rebirth of living things.

If you've had a season of introspection, stagnation or even despair, spring provides the chance for a giant "do-over."

I work with many clients who face chemical addiction on a daily basis. While many are in recovery and have significant "clean time," others experience occasional relapse and the myriad of emotions that come with it: shame, frustration, disillusion, even sadness.  Despite much knowledge, support, 12-step work and personal work for sobriety, my clients who relapse often report a feeling of having to "start over at day one" of their sobriety. It can be heavy and disheartening.

I was fortunate to train with an experienced and savvy addiction recovery counselor who told her groups,
"You may be in day one of recovery, but no one--I repeat--no one can take from you ANY of the days you had sober. You earned each one of them. They are yours forever. So now...you start adding to them, one by one."

It's true of recovery. What's more, it's true of any behavior you've successfully mastered, and then may have fumbled. Did you slip away from your diet over the winter? Fail to get to the gym as much as you planned?  Maybe you vowed to volunteer, keep in touch, be kinder, work harder, etc.

Well, spring is coming. And you, like all of the rest of us, can use the start of the season for your personal "do-overs." Start small, but start!  If you want to feel successful, start keeping a record of your improving behaviors.  Make a chart, keep a journal, mark the calendar. When you can see your progress, you'll feel your progress. Try it.

I can almost guarantee that forward movement will feel better. Like the sound of your robins returning from their winter vacation, the greening of the hills around you and the sun on your face, the renewal of your best intentions can feel wonderful and invigorating.

Like your own personal spring.

Until next time, watch for the robins. Thanks for listening.

What Next? Or, Finding New Purpose In Your Life.

A constant refrain that I hear from colleagues and clients alike is, "I wish I had more time in the day!" As a species that is experiencing the cutting edge of technology designed to make our lives easier, we continue to find more and more to do in less and less time.  It seems that, as technology reduces the time it takes to accomplish a task, we find more tasks to take on.  Which can lead us to apexes of efficiency--punctuated by bouts of exhaustion, frustration, leading to deeper moments that call up the big question: What's it all about? Is this--the frenzy, the efficiency, the ticking off of "to do" lists--is this what it's all about?  Why am I here?

I have had the privilege of working with people of all ages, across the lifespan.  And, my clients have shown me that past the age of 18 or so, "the big question" above comes into play at many of life's transition moments: For teenagers leaving home for work, the military or college; for young adults getting married, having their first child, moving or choosing more defined career paths; for those who lose jobs or relationships either unexpectedly or after a clear period of dissatisfaction; for those faced with their first physical limitations of normal aging; for those facing serious illness; for those who face retirement and the conclusion of their professional "usefulness;" and, in the ending phases of life those who, examining a life of accomplishments, failures, compromises, regrets and losses find themselves asking: What was it all about?

The people who seem to weather the question the best are those who, at various stages of their lives, find a way to "repurpose" themselves. They find a way to adjust, replace or augment a value system that no longer serves them.  And, in the process, they also, unconsciously or not, redefine the meaning of "satisfaction" in their lives.

The young couple who starts a family may initially find the transition from couple to family limiting and difficult, until they recognize and elevate the importance--and joy-- of raising a child.  

Job loss--often a devastating blow to the ego at first--can be an invitation to re-examine what you really would like to to if there were no limits to your choices?  I've worked with several clients who have found themselves in just that position--and have taken the opportunity to find new purpose in their daily work.

Serious illness or loss of a loved one can act as a life signal to pause--or at least slow down. Loss, of either our own functionality or independence--however temporary--can be a cause for pause. Death of a spouse, family member of friend can further underscore our own relative impermanence--and the finite nature of our span on earth.  The question often becomes: What legacy will I leave? Did my time here matter?


Another life marker, retirement, can be a time of reinvention or a time of feeling adrift. Many older adults reach their retirement years facing the question: Now what? If your job so thoroughly defines you, if your professional accomplishments are your primary source of life satisfaction, you may find yourself reaching retirement asking the same question.

Fortunately, we are, as a species, remarkable in our ability to reinvent--to repurpose--ourselves. Businessmen become tutors in retirement; accountants become landscape painters; physicians become organic gardeners. Successful retirement years become a time for passion to either augment or replace profession.

And, finally, in our final years, we are often blessedly equipped with the time--and the insight--to conduct a life review: an examination of where we've been and what the journey has meant. And most of the aging adults I've had the privilege to work with have been blessed with another ability: acceptance.   Acceptance of accomplishments, failures, even mediocrity--at the end with a minimum amount of energy  devoted to regret.

It's then that an amazing transformation can occur--the shift from wondering if one's life was worthy--to acceptance of the life we actually lived, peaks, valleys and the terrain in between.

Until next time, thanks for listening.

Why They're Called "Resolutions," Or How To Bolster Your Resolve.

We're one week into the new year and, chances are, it's likely you know someone (perhaps yourself) who has committed to improve, overhaul or otherwise change a behavior in the next 52 weeks. Some goals are lofty (lose 50 pounds!); some are more modest (be kinder to co-workers); and some, despite our best efforts, may be unattainable, which leads not only to disappointment, but also builds resistance to change in the future.

In my work, I'm privileged to sit with intelligent, motivated individuals who are working for change--or acceptance--in their lives. Some of the tools we use in our work together may be helpful to those of you who are fortifying your resolve for change in this new year.  Here are a few suggestions that may help.

Set attainable goals. Take a look at your goal. Write it down on a piece of paper and read it aloud to yourself. "Run a marathon" may be completely doable if you're healthy enough for vigorous exercise and have some experience with running. If you've never run before, you may want to set a more reasonable goal--say, walk every day, with a goal of one mile by day 60. You may need input from your doctor or a trainer. The point is, attaining your goal will be a real ego booster. If your goal is too ambitious, you may be setting yourself up for failure.

Set measurable goals. To succeed, you need to know how you define "success." If your goal is to lose weight, it will help to quantify your goal: "Lose 5 pounds  by March 30th." If you miss your goal you can always reset. But having a target and a timeline can help keep you on track.

Make sure they're your goals, not someone else's. Our friends and loved ones may have wishes for us that will make our lives better, healthier, etc.  But the fact is, if you're not invested in your goals for change, you're not likely to be motivated to do the work to change.


Don't set yourself up for failure. "Become an astronaut" sounds, to me, like an exciting goal; but, at my stage in life, it's unlikely to happen because of the training, physical stamina, and skill set needed to journey into space.  Don't get me wrong. Don't abandon goals just because they're lofty. But look honestly at your goal and ask: Am I ready to make the commitment? Can I commit the time and resources needed? Are there any intermediate goals (in this instance, say, attending a space camp) that will help me get to my end goal?

Set up a support system. Let others know how they can help you reach your goals. If, for example, you want to stop smoking, you may find it difficult to be around your smoking friends for awhile. It might be helpful, in this example, to let them know that you need a smoke-free environment for the near future, and that you want to spend time with them when they're not lighting up.

If you slip, start again. Miss a day of exercise? Indulge in a piece of Boston cream pie? Move on. Lamenting your slip won't undo it. Try your best to understand how the slip happened and what you can do to avoid future slips. Learn what you can, accept that you're human, and train your eye--again--on the prize. Move on.

Adjust goals if necessary. Finding that you just can't make it to the gym seven days a week? It may be realistic to temporarily adjust your goal so you can find satisfaction in meeting it. If you're continually disappointing yourself, it will likely erode your resolve to continue with the larger goal.

Take small steps. Your bigger goal may logically have several "building blocks" to success. Set incremental goals that move you toward your ultimate goal. This way, you're always moving in the right direction, and enjoying your incremental successes.

Finally, reward yourself for your progress. Positive reinforcement is a great motivator. Take time to monitor your progress and reward it. Did you eat in a healthy way for five days in a row? Take yourself to the movies, write "Good Job!" on a post-it and put it on the refrigerator, share the news with a friend and enjoy a compliment.  You'll be motivated to continue.

Whatever you decide to do in the new year, remember: if you set the bar too high, you may be sabotaging your own success. Be realistic. Build goal upon goal. Recognize your slips and move on. Reward your successes.

May your new year be blessed with your own successes, and more.

Until next time, thanks for listening.

Now What? What To Do If You're Feeling Blue, Blah, or Blechh!

If ever a single day of the year gets a big build-up, it's December 25th. Literally billions of dollars are spent on gifts, advertisements, holiday food and drink, travel--and the list goes on. All culminating with, hopefully, convivial gatherings, reunited families, festive moments with friends, grinning and satisfied children, and a few moments of contemplation on the inherent goodness of our fellow earthlings.

Followed by a giant exhale and the inevitable question: now what?

After the frenzy to make the season bright, special, happy and merry, the aftermath can arrive as a letdown in contrast to the many-week build up. With no more gifts to buy or unwrap, no holiday meals to prepare, no more festive gatherings, no special foods, no cards or calls-- we ask ourselves, now what?

For some, the answer is simply, move on to the new year. Take down the tree and store the lights and ornaments until next year. Get back into the routine of work (or searching for it if you're between jobs), muddle through the mundane, toast the New Year, go on that diet--and get on with it.

For others, the void left by the holiday is harder to shake. It's the absence left by families and friends that go back home. Disappointments in holiday expectations weren't met. Frustration with the economic realities--and bills--of the coming January. And, for some, the shorter days--no longer punctuated by bright holiday lights--can bring on the blues.

What can you do? Well, here are a few ideas that might help.

Count your blessings. Yes, as down as you might feel, you are blessed. Focus on what you have. Make a list of people, circumstances and attributes you are grateful for. Write down one blessing, how ever small, on a note pad each night.  At the end a year you'll have 365 notable blessings that are yours.

Reality test your self-talk. I've mentioned self-talk in a previous post. We all have self-talk, mostly without moving our lips. If you're telling yourself things that bring you down, stop and ask yourself: Is that statement really true? How accurate am I being with myself? Can I edit out any drama? And...what can I do to make things better?
If your negative self-talk isn't true, then stop it. If it is, focus on things you can do to bring the situation more into your control. If you can't do anything to change it, entertain the concept, What would it be like to accept things just as they are? And, related to finding the positive...

Surround yourself with positive people. Negative people can drag you down, making the post-holiday blues seem downright bleak. Practice being a positive person yourself, finding ways to say "yes," be cooperative and generally add to the betterment of your days and others'.  Pepper your interactions with more "please" and "thank you," and less #*%&!

Start your new year as a volunteer. It doesn't really matter what you volunteer to do, just do something! Studies show that people who volunteer tend to feel significantly better about themselves than people who don't. And your activity in service to others will likely take your mind off the things that bring you down. Bag groceries for the local food bank, read to the blind, tutor the young, sit and visit with shut-ins. They will be grateful for your interest and effort--and you'll benefit far more than they.

Look forward, not back. Plan something special. It doesn't need to be expensive or lavish. Plan to visit with an old friend you've lost touch with. Pack a sandwich and eat in the park or by the beach. Set aside a little money each week--if possible--for a special treat you'd like in the future.  Window shop, make your special soup and share it with a friend, plan a "me day" and pamper yourself as you're able.  The looking forward to special events can be as satisfying as the events themselves.

And finally, move! Get off the couch, up out of your office chair, out from in front of the TV or computer screen--and move! Check with your doctor first to be sure that even mild exercise won't hurt you--and then just walk.  Studies have shown that a brisk 20-minute walk every day can lighten your mood, and your scale!  You needn't be an Olympic athlete to be a winner from the benefits of exercise.  Weather in the way? Put on your favorite music and dance, march in place, sway--just move.

More on the holiday blues and winter blahs as we move into January.

Until then, Happy New Year, and thanks for listening.

Do You Hear What I Hear? The Quiet Of The Season.

It may just be my imagination, but along about the 23rd or so, a calm seems to descend upon the frenzy that is Christmas.  By now, like it or not, we're only two days away and most of what needs to get done is either done, or isn't going to get done.

Said another way, the rush is dying down and the calm is growing.

It feels like we can take a collective breath, admire what's been accomplished, allow for what has not, and look forward to whatever Christmas traditions that beckon 48 hours from now.

For those who take a break from work, however brief, there's likely a pause from routine, and a chance to reflect on what Christmas (or Hanukkah or Quanza) means to us.  Regardless of how we feel as adults, it's almost impossible to ignore the excitement of children, the beauty of the decorations, and the majesty of the music.

The season--for all its commercialism--is a time to pause.  It could be my optimism showing through, but people seem to be a little kinder.  They let you guide your sleigh--ok, your car--into the lane you need to be in. The clerk at the hardware store smiles.  The bagger at the grocery grins and asks if you're "ready" for the holidays.

The season gives us all kinds of permission. Permission to be a little silly. People don goofy Santa hats, glowing Christmas light necklaces and even elf shoes.

Permission to break the ice in a communication stalemate--after all, who could fault you for sending a holiday card or calling to wish season's greetings?

Permission to treat yourself with an occasional cookie, eggnog or other indulgence. Even permission to snag that bargain sweater for a gift, and maybe one for yourself.

Permission to reconnect with your faith--no matter how lapsed it might feel or how long it's been.

And, yes, Virginia, it gives us--in the face of an awful economy, political unrest, unpredictable and destructive weather, war, need, and loved ones far away--permission to renew. To look for the star in the east. And permission to hope.

With that, I bid you joy in your hearts this season.

Until, next time, thanks for listening.

Dance Of The Holiday Invitations, or Send In The Clones.

With the Thanksgiving holiday dinner behind us, we now shift into the December holiday rush: parties with friends, work receptions, holiday open houses and family dinners. The difficulty becomes: How can I (we) be at two places at once?

With non-family functions, the pressure is somewhat diminished by the fact that, while invitations are, in effect, gifts of time and (often) refreshment, they are NOT command performances. That is, we can often find graceful ways to say "no" that don't devastate the host.

Family, however, can be another matter.

Parents, in particular, can and do have a difficult time sharing sons and daughters with in-laws.  Depending on the degree of dysfunction, families can (and do) exert both implicit and explicit pressure on family members to share the joy of the season--with US!

Clients have reported an array of family tactics designed to turn an invitation into an offer you can't refuse.

Often-used , and quite effective is familial guilt: Don't worry about spending the holidays with us. It will break your father's heart, but we'll be fine. After all, there's always next year...assuming we're all here. Does it make you feel bad? Well, it's designed to do just that. Seems ironic in the season of "good will," doesn't it?  And yet, in an effort to orchestrate, arrange and otherwise control, some families deck the halls with guilt, not gilt, to get what they want.

The antidote? Honesty. Yes. Simply tell the truth. Mom, we just can't make the trip this year. With two kids and two car seats, all the toys and the difficulty of travel, we just can't do it.  Or, I know you're disappointed. So am I. But we want to experience a holiday in our own home this year. And we'd love to see you here,...visit in January...come for your birthday, etc. Once you've invoked the honesty clause, stick to it.  You love your relatives? Tell them. But stick to your guns. The only result of caving will be that you end up where you don't really want to be, feeling resentful and not so jolly.

Another is the "logical argument." It makes the most sense that we spend the holidays at your sister's house. She has all that room, and we'll all be so comfortable there. Yes, yes, I know you'll have to fly across the country, but don't you see how this plan is best for everyone? It can seem logical to everyone who must make the least effort, but not so much to those who have to submit to the rigors of holiday travel. Ask yourself, Can we undertake the effort, time and expense of this plan? If the answer is "yes," then succumbing to logic will sit well with you. If, however, circumstances make "the plan" undoable for you, you need to ask for what you need.

The antidote? Tell the truth.  Dad, the truth is, we don't want to travel during the holidays. And, for the first time, we'd like the kids to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning--just like I did when I was a child. We're creating our own traditions here. And we'll share the ones with you that we can. Again, if you end up caving--even to a logical request--you'll likely end up resentful, tense, irritable and more like Scrooge than Santa.

And loved ones sometimes invoke....Passive-aggressive manipulation. This can take the form of silence, overly "cordial" emails and phone calls, or feigned indifference after you have asked for the holiday arrangement you really want--and need. The communication can be overt or subtle, but the intent is the same: to let you know that someone is not pleased with you.

To counter such behaviors you might try...name that elephant. Calmly and with as much affection as you can muster, you might say, Mom, I know that you want us to spend the holidays at your house, but, as I said before, we will be staying with Ted's family this year. I know you're disappointed. We'll be talking with you all during the holidays, and sending you photos, etc....

As much as gathering, greeting and giving can create fond holiday memories, keep in mind that that holiday traditions are meant to serve us--not the other way around. What was fun and easy when you were single and 20 or 30 may not be fun--or even reasonable--now. Lives, and circumstances, change.

In the true spirit of the holiday, give what you can in terms of gifts, talents and time. And also remember to give yourself the gift of autonomy: the right of self-government or self-determination.  Despite the fact that you have friends and relatives who want you to behave in a certain way this holiday season, remember that you also have a wonderful and timeless gift that is uniquely yours: a voice.

Until next time, thanks for listening.